#idk but i do miss her lots lol
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sometimes i think about my beautiful, amazing, wonderful katjaa... and i think about adding her to a multi but idk lol
#katjaa was my first real muse on tumblr and i've been developing her character since 2012 but i don't think she'd get much interaction so#idk but i do miss her lots lol#ooc.
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hey
#so i've been dealing with some irl stuff recently#nothing too bad. it was just really frustrating and exhausting for me. and really putting a damper on my mood and my art#and i'm sorry if i've been acting a little weird or not saying too much or anything#or if i've been kinda inactive for the past few days#but i'll be okay!#i just wanted to let you guys know what's been kinda going on#i'm slowly working on something really sweet involving Hugo and Noa. so that's been making me feel better#i need something happy and soft between them lol#also! I've been playing The Quarry recently!#the writing is kinda stupid and almost all of the characters act like they don't have a brain. but that's what makes it so fun!#and i'm pretty sure the devs did that intentionally. to make it seem more like a campy monster flick#i'm really enjoying it so far! the werewolves are really cool!#also it's really funny to me how they just pop like balloons whenever they're transforming#i thought it was gonna be a slow transformation. but no. their skin just immediately explodes off#and then they somehow get it all back when they turn back into humans? idk how that works but it's pretty rad#also also! the thing with the tarot cards is really cool!#i missed a lot in the beginning because i didn't know what i was looking for#and the fortune teller lady in between chapters kept getting mad at me for not finding any#but i eventually started to get it! when the game decided to really put one in my face in chapter 3 lol#and the thing with the tarot cards representing the different characters in the game got me thinking about what card Noa would probably be#i think Seven of Swords would be right up her alley#because it's associated with deception. dishonesty. betrayal. and acting strategically#and it could also signify self-deception and confessions. which is all very true for her character#aaahh now i wanna make a tarot card design for her!#but that's an idea for another day#anyway sorry for sorta rambling a bit#i hope you all are doing okay
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saw a post about projecting your ethnicity onto a character and started missing vespa ilkay. so so bad
#pov u grow up in a 3rd world country(/planet) where healthcare workers are exported by the thousands like cheap produce to richer countries#it's your ticket out of poverty as long as you can deal with the loneliness the separation from everyone you know the discrimination etc#ive never talked about my hc that vespas mother was one of them sending money every month visiting every couple of years until it just stop#like why return to the swamps when youre doing fine working on a richer planet w much better living conditions#cost of living rises every year. sending home a % of your salary used to be enough to support your husband and daughter and then it isnt#you know how it goes#vespa is also dead set on this path until ranga realizes that hemorrhaging healthcare workers leaves them with little to none of their own#students on scholarships or in community/state universities are bound by return service agreements and are forbidden to leave the country#until theyve rendered a few years of work on ranga to pay back their tuition + as a really shitty solution to the brain drain problem#this is real in my country btw but my professors say a lot of ppl do break their rsa's and fucked off to work in other countries LOL#our state unis can barely afford decent facilities they do nottt have the budget to chase down their own alumni in other countries!#but the mental image is a bit funny#vespa ilkays first crime: tinakasan ang rsa#i do also think it lines up with her having a network of med friends everywhere in the galaxy (heart of it all) you kind of go into pre/med#expecting most of your classmates to leave to work in other countries eventually. mine are aiming for the usa / uae / europe / japan etc#anyway whether vespa breaks her rsa or not she leaves ranga asap decides to switch careers and the rest is history#i also deeply love the fact that she's superstitious i'm very sad it wasn't highlighted more (i've only heard s1-3)#as someone who did grow up in a rural area and went to more albularyos/folk healers than doctors in my childhood. (they never failed me)#lots of folk illnesses (ex. balis; pasma) local medical superstitions (dont eat noodles in hospital; youll have a really toxic shift) etcc#theres also a lot of potential in tying her past as a rangian + med student + assassin to me idk how to word this properly#being raised on cautionary tales of not to touch/disturb anything in the swamps then being given free reign to poke & prod at things in her#lab classes (now with the proper ppe)....she was having so much fun with the curemother prime too lmao#years of walking hanging bridges docks boathouses in ranga etc gave her great balance & stealth#cracking open alien shellfish in the swamps to cutting open bodies for studying then for assassination....#I MISS HER SO MUCH BALIK KN SAKEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭#i get why most people + the canon focuses on her being an assassin bc people find that cooler i guess#but vespa being a swamp girl > 3rd world med student > assassin is so personal To Me. the whole pipeline. eugh.#skl.txt
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I was going to save this until I reread Hollowpox, but that last ask reminded me that I should share this here, so I present:
Musings on Maud: Why is she considered so powerful, how does this affect her dynamic with Squall, and why is he so scared of her?
(Bonus: How can I connect it to Silverborn?)
Two disclaimers: I haven't reread Hollowpox in ages, so if there's anything that could prove or disprove stuff in this post, send it my way. Honestly send any discussion my way. I love discussing theories. Second, this was originally a reply to a Reddit comment on a post, to which you can find here. The comment discussed Maud being a signatory for a Squall safeguard, so since this comment is copied verbatim, it references that.
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If it’s not outright stated, it’s at least heavily implied that Squall helped create/build up the Republic. It’s only existed for about 90 years, and Squall has been exiled for about 100. He mentions in Hollowpox how he knows that Maud’s plan is to take over Nevermoor/The Free State, because the Republic took over the other states in the realm and he “helped them do it.” However, unless Maud is immortal and also 100 years old, she is not the one who started the Republic from the side of the Republic. Also, no clue how long it’s been around, but Squall Industries has likely been around for awhile as well (this is how he gets his connections and power in the Republic), with Squall just constantly grandfathering himself in with the vampire trick or something.
Interestingly, Squall says two things in this scene (Chapter 34 of Hollowpox) that stick out to me:
“I made the so-called Hollowpox,” he raised his voice above hers, “because I was asked to. Because I was compensated handsomely for it. And because when the most powerful person in the realm asks for a favour, even I don’t refuse.
And
“But you’re a Wundersmith.” Morrigan was utterly baffled. “Why can’t you just stop them if they’re such a problem? I don’t understand!” “Do you THINK I HAVEN’T—“ Squall shouted, then cut himself off abruptly.
He also mentions how the Hollowpox was initially meant for the Republic, but Maud snuck in an infected otter across the border into Nevermoor— “That was never part of our deal.”
There’s definitely a business relationship between the two of them of likely consistent deals, one favor for another, quid pro quo. However, we also see that Squall can’t really go against her, something he seems to have tried before. Two chapters before this scene (Chapter 32), has this moment:
“Yes, shush. Maud said the Wintersea Party might help if there was a squid crow po.” “Quid pro quo?” “Right, one of those. She said they won’t do something for nothing, but if we could convince Prime Minister Steed to meet with her, just to have a conversation, then she would try to convince her party to share their cure.”
While it could be easily explained as part of her job, Maud seems to get most of her power and do things by extracting deals from other people. Maybe she’s knackless, or maybe she has some sort of connection to Puppeteering or a knack related to that. Not Mesmerism, but something that allows her to be persuasive, manipulative, convince people of things, and get them to do what she wants. A sort of parallel or companion to Squall’s connection with Puppeteering that we see in Wundersmith.
It’s interesting that when we first meet Maud, there is this exchange directly after she tells Mog that the Wintersea Republic would only agree to help the Free State if there was some sort of deal:
“But they’re your party,” Morrigan pointed out. “Aren’t you the one with the power? Maud stiffened slightly and cast her a wary, calculating look.
And then soon later she says this:
“Even if I could persuade my party to do the right thing – and I’m not saying I won’t try – there’s no guarantee Steed and his government would come to the table.”
The whole exchange seems very manipulative, like, “oh, I’d LOVE to talk and get this figured out, but I can’t…” There’s a big focus on conversation. Maud is wary when Mog mentions power— she thinks she means a magical power, something secret that gives her an advantage, when really she just means politically— so I wonder if she was worried for a moment that Mog realized she had some sort of coercive power.
I wonder what exactly her power is that makes Squall so scared of her, and why it possibly makes it so that he can’t fight make and overthrow her. Aside from their business relationship, which allows Squall access to Wunder and being a Wundersmith, there’s this other layer as well.
As for safeguard: I don’t know if Maud would be a signatory for a Squall safeguard, as that seems to just be for Wunsoc students, but I think that whatever their deal is and whatever her power is allows her to keep him in check. Jess said that we will learn more about safeguards in Silverborn, and I think it would be interesting if Mog learns more about them from Squall instead of Jupiter— and maybe it does end up being similar to whatever he has going on with Maud, who knows! I don’t really have any safeguard theories myself, but I will keep an eye out for what you add to your comment.
A Silverborn “silver” side note: A “silver tongue” means that someone is persuasive when they speak….. perhaps this idea, theme, power, etc. will be expanded upon in the future 🤔
#nevermoor#nevermoor theory#hollowpox#president wintersea#ezra squall#maud lowry#whatever their deal is it prob involves squall's access to wunder#anyways. enjoy folks! would love to know people's thoughts on this lol#difference between reddit and tumblr in allowing you to do new lines or not in indentations is so funny to me lol#hollowpox is so crazy bc the chapters in the 3rd act are like BAM BAM BAM so much important stuff happening and being revealed#'jam why do you use so many quotes' bc I am insane and like to have sources#but also when you spent months putting 1016! quotes into a quotebot you develop a decently specific memory for a lot of this stuff lolll#anyways turns out somehow I had the chapter numbers TOTALLY WRONG so had to go back and fix them lol. how did that happen.#this theory wasn't noticed on reddit. tough crowd. so hope some folks here appreciate it lol#real question is 'why is Maud + Mog so similar and is there a reason for this. and is this related to Mog saying Maud reminds her of a mom.#might develop it more once 1. i'm no longer in a heat wave that's frying my brain and 2. after I reread. bc might be hints I'm missing idk
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I finally saw the mean girls musical (the movie one) I have so many fucking thoughts oh my god
#thoughts#oni talks#mean girls 2024#I think I may be the only person to kind of like it? like don’t get me wrong it is kinda ROUGH but it has so much potential and there’s bits#and pieces that I actually really enjoy or wish they had more of or just aahh#I’ve been nonstop thinking about the ideal version in my head like there’s so much potential obviously I’m biased by like a lot#since for one I know I tend to like stuff other people hate or don’t like but for two this sequel was weirdly way more relatable so maybe#I’m just projecting from my own personal experiences but Idc the POTENTIAL THERES SO MUCH ID WANNA DO INSTEAD#like there’s so many little details and characterizations that I wish was expanded on or fleshed out and it’s just like it feels like either#half baked or that it’s gone through too many edits it’s like it’s scared to exist?? like there’s some differences I love and wish they lol#leaned into but it’s like it was terrified to be too different? or like they were rushing the end especially#like in my ideal form it’s a tv show coz I think they honestly have enough that could be genuinely expanded in a way more interesting way#via that format probably not like a super extended series like you COULD but you’d definitely need more expansion but I could see the potent#but like idk one SOLID musical season with expanded character story and not like one of those rush cram shows like a good solid one#like Regina’s characterization is so fascinating but also feels like slightly off and like they could’ve leaned way more into things?#like I think keeping Regina as a closeted lesbian gives the greatest potential and interest for an expanded story#like I loved maybe the first half of the movie the most like that one song she sang to manipulate Aaron would work so much more perfectly if#she’s singing it about/to Cady? I also think in my ideal brain an cool flashback episode for Janis and Regina would be so cool coz there’s#so much you could flesh out in a flashback than you could in a retelling which while I do like the retelling since it lets you imagine thing#I just! potential! I also want more of them interacting and I do think changing Janis to be a lesbian works if they leaned more into it?#I also think in my ideal form janis would have more comeuppance or acknowledgement of her shit? I also think an arc of Regina coming out#like one thing they missed from the original is Regina playing soccer at the end & I think they could hint more towards that and maybe lean#more into her at home life in an expanded story way coz her mom is clearly like… yikes. granted maybe some of my views on the movie are too#biased by personal experience but like the way she snaps at her mom usually in my experience isn’t out of nowhere? like parents behind#closed doors. or frustrations with what her mom has clearly been putting on her the way she tells her mom not to talk about her body is very#like idk a lot of the characters in this version feel more real to me bc they act really similar to people I know irl so the expanded story#could be cool. another one that in my ideal brain would have more is Gretchen and especially her relationships with Regina as well as with#that one guy and her parents I wanna see more of how that works and her arc to feel more meaningful when she dumps him & mentions family#also as much as I didn’t care much for the straight plot stuff there’s 100% missed potential there that I could see in the differences like#iirc in the original it’s regular algebra not AP calc which I think could’ve been used as an interesting characterization opportunity for
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r/v + loneliness.
102 / Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca, ch. 4 / 4 / 8 / Art Wallace, Shadows on the Wall / 603 / Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca, ch 4. / 473 / Richard Sherman, Demo: "Lovely, Lonely Man/Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Finale" / 2
#➤ roger collins & victoria winters. ┊ pain sometimes precedes pleasure,miss winters.#➤ edits & art. ┊ the evans cottage art gallery.#compilation tag#idk I have just been Thinking about this since that gifset lol.#‘I’ll blame it on you‚’ she says — because you are the one who has brought me here‚ she thinks#because she seems to anticipate even in their first meeting that she will play Eyre and he Rochester.#there had better be many more such tête-à-tête’s on the cliff side or she’ll be terribly disappointed !#[and not only cliffside proselytizing: barging into her room at all hours‚ chasing her around town‚ dragging her bodily into the drawing#room‚ and‚ occasionally on a good day‚ an actual genuine date or a meal sometime.]#Roger has –– in theory –– everything that she wants. a family‚ a home‚ a wife and child‚ history and ancestry! boy does he have that!#and yet he is terribly terribly alone in this well he has poisoned.#(from which‚ I might add‚ vicki drinks greedily.)#''What do you want out of life?'' when he's already achieved (or so it appears on the outside) the midcentury blazon of success:#a family‚ a well-to-do office position at which he really does nothing‚ a succession of american-made sports cars.#he may be separated from his wife but together‚ he and elizbeth and david and carolyn form a mimetic image of the nuclear family.#to which vicki is desperate to grasp onto‚ even in its most nightmarish form‚ whether or not she realizes that's why she stays.#but what does he want? he wants the same thing she wants. love and companionship. (that he hasn't yet ruined. that he can't stop ruining.)#she may not precisely understand his type of loneliness but she knows about loneliness among people. she's lived it.#and she knows too about ... a visceral loneliness pushing you to push people even further away (as in the childhood story she tells david).#so she sees through his fronts a lot of the time‚ whether they be a layer of charm‚ or terror. and boy does he hate that. being seen for#something real. where his actions matter and produce consequences. where feeling is real – good or bad.#the little governess and her capacity to find shadows to throw light on! whether they be locked chambers in the basement or the atria.
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had quite the night drive earlier this evening.
#just me rambling again#web weaving#(?)#uh. one of my friends who is out of town for college was visiting and i got to see him and our friends and the only core member of that#group of people missing was my ex girlfriend who you may also know of as my wonderful wife#who has I assume been very busy with their own life things but has also barely and very sparsely had any hint of communication with any of#us within the past few months which I've been realizing very recently sort of hurts my feelings because we used to be so close and#they had been saying that they would be constantly making sure we still were in each other's lives. but then very quickly have#seemingly dropped off the face of the earth#anyways. I was driving aforementioned friend who is in town back home (family home not college obv) and when i was finally going back#towards my house afterwards my Google maps finally lead me to an area that i was more familiar with driving and i got to an#intersection and it was telling me to take a right to go home but i knew that i knew the way perfectly from that intersection to my#ex girlfriend / best friend / wifes familys house from all of the times I've gone that direction through the past years and so#i turned off my directions and i took a left towards their house#not super sure why but my brain and body just knew it was something i needed to do and so i went and drove down their street and cried#a lot the whole time and then drove myself home from their house once again following a super familiar path#and idk im still feeling very emotional about it. the fact that halloween by noah kahan was the first song to play on Spotify#after i made that left turn im sure didnt help (knowing that i miss them so much and am going to be leaving this area myself#soon enough here and there's been an open offer for a while now that they are welcome to follow and live with me once they get their degree#(and also um. halloween is next week lol)#idk i just havent felt the full force of how badly i miss having them in my life until tonight. when i was around this person i could feel#our souls singing in harmony. i genuinely cannot describe the feelings of our relationship in words i feel like only vaguely abstract art#could communicate the connection that was forged between us and the level of understanding and knowing#something not dissimilar to looking into the sun directly or trying to describe a vivid color to someone who is completely blind#something about the way the entire universe breathes in unison and everything around us are all pieces of the same stars#sigh#i miss my wife tails i miss her a lot /ref
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woooo my niece took 5 of my 13 lego sets, one of which was one of the three larger ones, so that's one huge box out of the way and i'm just glad she wanted them because like they ARE twenty years old and they look fine ofc but sometimes kids aren't gonna want stuff that isn't new and shiny ya know, but she did seem to want everything which would've been fine with me but i knew there was no way they would take all that with them, and at least i still have stuff of my own to sell, plus should get at least a cut of my brother's stuff for doing the inventory and putting together that stuff that wasn't already done
#i mentioned the hp sets and how they had been pretty much left together and he was like '....i had harry potter sets?'#which once he saw them he did think they were familiar which was some of my feeling with mine#like oh YEAH i do remember these i just didn't remember having so many#i mean between 13 sets it's really like 3 categories so i would've played with like the whole ice palace and its related sets#i do just wonder how it'll be at the store like everything is pretty much in fine shape#and probably there are people who want older stuff that's rarer and whatever now#BUT then there might be more of a demand for newer stuff at a better price or whatever idk#anyway 6 sets left in the upstairs and then the bionicles and statue of liberty are still in the attic#i'm still not convinced there couldn't be another box somewhere bc idk how to explain the few sets#that are missing so much that i can't actually do them bc even if we had gotten rid of some why would we not include the huge base or w/e#anyway we'll see! but i'm getting closer! and i did a little one this morning#that seemed to be complete it didn't list some of the pieces as extras but based on the instructions i figure they have to be#so i don't really need them like i'll include them if i find them and they're not needed for something else but yeah#anyway i can go back to fic though these first two at least are short so i may be going back to another one tomorrow#can't wait to have my room back though fr like#it is not the only thing making it feel messy because i have newer jewelry and clothes and stuff that i just have to organize and put away#but man the jewelry situation is just. it's not even having so many pieces it's like big earrings that take up a lot of space or whatever#so i just have not wanted to deal with it but it's kinda out of hand#but i can really think about that after this particular project is done#and do puzzles again oh my god i have 3 puzzles waiting for me at least#plus my mom always has a bunch to be done since everyone knows to buy her puzzles lol but that has also gotten out of hand#i wouldn't mind getting rid of a couple of mine though just bc it is like okay you do it but then you just have it and it takes up space#would be cool to have pretty ones framed tho
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my father telling me how scared he was when i ran away from the house but i cant express how scared i was 2 b in the house
hey, whats up w/that?
#whenever we ‘hang out’ he likes 2 make the topic as depressing as possible by always talking abiut the past#& it is the most annoying shit ever i will not lie BC I DONT WANT 2 TALK ABOUT DEATH & THE ABUSE EVERY TIME I SPEAK 2 U#yk? thag makes sense in my head#anyways he started talking abiut how terrified he was when i had ran away multiple times a couple yrs ago & when i say a couple i mean#i have no idea how long ago bc memory is a bitch#but it had 2 b like middle school - sophmore?#multiple times & like i just wanna shake him bc LITERLLY WHAT & WHO DO U THINK I WAS RUNNING AWAY FROM#GODDAMNN I H8 BING THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS HOUSE WHO CAN EXPRESS EMOTIONS & NOT LET THEM EFFECT HOW I VIEW THE OTHER#‘oh u ran in the park u ran in the park’ i didnt run in the fuckinggppaaarrkrkkkk AAAAAAAAAA I MET A NICE LADY WHO HAD A GOAT IN THE#SPARTMENTS I FRIECIENTED OFTEN WHEN I WAS YOUNGER#i cant express how safe the goddamn goat lady & her kid made me feel vs my parents who started hunting 4 me#like ive been dragged home so many times im not going through that shit again#i miss the goat the mom & the kid we were just chilling @ like midnight 4 a bit#did this turn in2 a vent? idk#i do this a lot ill prolly delete this soonish when im kore calm#bc rn i want 2 chuck bricks in my laundry machine & watch them fly out & hit whatever#im going back 2 watching anime if i have 2 talk 2 1 other person i will actually explode#like irl person not online the silly gay ppl in my phone r super cool & amazing & i love them#im srry 4 bing a dick btw#i cant explain it i mean i could but i cant im just my brain is telling me eveyr1 h8s me & MAN i h8 it when it does#so im just frightened & by golly & am i havign a cheery time yipyipyip#typing in tags is sm easier than in a post bc i dont think most ppl read tags lol#the more i think about my past the more i wonder wtf am i doing here#bc how did i even get out of the house in the 1st place & then ontop of that was able 2 hide#like what……#bc they were fucking grabbing me n shit & they have CARS like i didnt go in the park i walked the sidewalks HOW DID I MOT GET CAUGHT??#MULTIPLE TIMES??? LIKE I ‘ran away’ MULTIPLE TIMES#i didnt exactly run away tho bc i didnt want them 2 file police shit i didnt eant 2 deal w/that & also hirt the pll i stayed over w/#so i always went back. obviously blehhh#ug hj hhhh my heads hurting again this is like the 4th day in a row :((
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i just don’t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you aren’t?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl don’t mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said they’d lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(it was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which would’ve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually weren’t ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so it’s not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and i’m understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus i’m not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to people’s emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict i’m blunt but i’m caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so i’m not saying i don’t want to still be her friend#i’m just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them i’m very much not and like. now that i’m on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! i’m not gonna chase her down like they’re grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space i’m going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. i’m happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they weren’t ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when we’ll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? i’m feeling like i’m failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man i’m just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not i’m worth#which again. kinda wasn’t expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i don’t want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isn’t any!!!#and i can’t deal with that! i can’t spend my life with people who aren’t going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. i’m gonna stop now lol
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have y’all seen that tweet that’s like “i’m probably nonbinary but i have a job so idrc about that rn.” that is so heavily kakyoin coded
#/ tbd#i don’t mean to insinuate that nonbinary people over 40 don’t exist because ofc they do and i know some of them lol#but i will say that if kak had been born 10-20 years later he would definitely identify that way jdhshehdvdn and that’s just bc#growing up in the 70s-80s in japan there just was not a lot of information available about gender diversity and kak was already#going thru it realizing he is gay and like. while he was never ashamed of being gay it was def smth he didn’t like#openly talk about until he was in his 20s & just stopped giving a fuck#and once he learned about nonbinary people he was kind of misguided in thinking like . oh that’s only for people who#have dysphoria/don’t identify with their assigned gender at all#like he probably didn’t realize it’s actually a spectrum until he was already married and had a child and a stable career#and by that point he was just like idk whatever JTHSHSVSVSDWFWGQS#being nonbinary myself and not really realizing it until i was already in my mid twenties and also working in education#i’m kind of in the same boat in that like . i kind of just let people misgender me because it’s just too much work to frequently defend#my identity and also i’m like not super mad when people she/her or ‘miss’ me even though it does make me a lil uncomfortable lol#ultimately my portrayal of kak is a cis man and identifies as one but like . also he might be nonbinary actually . idk it’s hard to explain
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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I would literallyyyyy give my fingernails to be able to go outside right now
#I MISS SUNSHINE AND AIR LOLLL#good news is I feel like I am minorly getting better bad news is idk how much lol#also my mom’s trip she’s been prepping for is completely messed up nowwww soooo I also am CONSUMED by guilt!!!!#not imposed by her I just feel fucking terribleeeeee#was supposed to meet a friend for dinner this week lol#gonna have to push that but also ask if he wouldn’t mind doing something outside bc#I AM NOW SCARED SHITLESS lol covid is insane I would not wish this on my worst enemies and that’s crazy bc I hate a lot of ppl
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[skfw] The Inn Encounter
Summary: Sesshomaru is looking for Kagome.
Day 1: Courting
Word prompt: Love Letter
Scenario Prompt: Character A has been acting strange so character B confronts them.
Sesskag Fluff Week Prompts ♥️
“Kagome isn’t here.”
Sango smiled apologetically to Sesshomaru while Rin abandoned training to hug her hogosha.
That morning, with the children all stuffed into her hut for their warm ups again, Sango had decided it had been raining for long enough and ushered them out onto the dewy lawn.
From above, Shippou worked out his magic by providing them the coverage of a large canopy, though it looked like a large towel struggling to stay stretched out in the breeze. Sango had relieved him of his duty several times just for him to refuse, saying a village hero such as he could at least do this much.
Sesshomaru noticed the sweat that beaded down the child’s form as soon as it ran down his sleeves, interrupting his reunion. Sighing, he released his moko into the air and it swirled and swirled, startling the large towel with a bushy fox tail as it became a large cloud all its own, shading them all from the rain.
“Enough, Shippou.” He said, and it was.
Shippou released himself and fell to the earth unsteadily, his little paws holding him up still.
“Well done, Shippou!” Rin applauded him, walking over and patting his panting back. He looked at her and then at Sesshomaru, grinning shyly when even he nodded.
“Rin. Jaken is making your favorite dish.”
“Break-time!” Rin translated. She grabbed Shippo's hand but froze mid stride, now looking to her Master Sango.
Sango nodded, “You heard Lord Sesshomaru. Jaken is making everyone’s favorite dishes!” She smiled at her children standing at attention behind her, “You better hurry.”
The relief of children’s laughter filled the wet air, the sound of Slayer uniforms slapped the earth and Mokomoko followed the children to keep them dry. The rain fell on the adults again but they didn’t mind it. The rain was a refreshing blessing as well as natural conversation cover.
Rain, Rain, Go Away
Come again another day
Inside the Inn we will decay
And though the keeper will let us stay
It's been – and we want to play
Rain, Rain, Go Away
It was just something to pass the time, Kagome insisted to them. A phonetic rhyme that would help them keep track of time, if nothing else. But to the children it was a blessed chant from Priestess Kagome, a chant that if they sang loud enough it would make the rain go away. They sang it so much recently that Sango didn’t even notice the number of rainy days, she just knew the children were blessedly occupied with a suitable answer instead of asking her to teach them how to beat it up.
Sango stretched her arms and they both heard her bones popping graciously, “You hurry too. What if you catch a cold?” She walked toward the entrance of her home and kept the door open by invitation.
“This one does not get colds.” Sesshomaru followed after her calmly.
“You never know. Stranger things have happened.”
“Such as?”
“You, looking for Kagome.”
“This One is always looking for Kagome.”
“You’ve become such a romantic, Lord Sesshomaru! That nearly made my old heart skip a beat.”
“Old?” Sesshomaru raised his brow. He rested his swords against her door frame and took a seat at her low table, “even demons in my court would question your slow aging.”
“My Lord,” Sango guffawed, moving to another room with a screen dividing the view, “You are making me blush. May I remind you I am a married woman.”
After removing the armored guards of her uniform, she worked on the wet leather itself. Sesshomaru closed his eyes and listened to the rain, listened to all the patterns in the mud, the grass, the farmers footsteps. He sifted through the noises, searching for a particular Priestess’ heavy footfalls.
Reemerging refreshed, Sango set fire to her hearth and began preparing her favorite tea set, an adorable white and purple accented gift from The Lord of the West with his red, hexagonal crest glazed into plates and the handles built like gold clouds were whipped against the porcelain cups. The set had instantly become the main reason Sango entertained guests.
“Speaking of being the only married woman-”
“You did not speak of that.”
“Did you know I am the only married woman in the whole village?” Sango fixed, “Speaking of which-”
“This one is looking for Kagome.” Sesshomaru emphasized, as if to say it wasn’t his fault that she was the only one. Sango placed the tea set down and then sat herself with a mortar and pestle, grinding sweet smells into the air.
“She’s been so busy lately.” Sango sighed, “Everyone has been; Demon sightings are picking up in neighboring villages, Kaedae can only be in one place at a time, Kagome goes everywhere else. Miroku wrote that he and Inuyasha have been making more progress rebuilding east.” Sango stretched then, as though talking about everything worked out the knots, “More children want to be taught to be Slayers so I get to see Kohaku only briefly while he and Kirara drop off more to me and take the ones I’ve trained to study further in the mountains.”
The kettle whistled and Sesshomaru got up, to which Sango sighed in appreciation.
She lightly brushed her mixture into their cups and Sesshomaru poured in the hot water. Hers first and then his own.
“You are all busy.” Sango breathed in the steam, her eyes closed but one peeking open. “ Yet, I seem to always find you.”
She worked with children all day. She had three of her own.
So, Sango could tell when a little pout was forming and it was such a shame Kagome was missing it.
“Well, I mean, it’s not like Kagome to not want to be found, is it?” Sango mused. Sesshomaru, who had been lifting his own cup, paused. He hadn’t considered that.
Just because he could not locate her, didn’t mean she didn’t want to be located.
In fact, when did she ever stay away from Sesshomaru? Kagome didn’t even hide from him when she had good reason to.
“When was the last time you spoke?”
“Hmm… what the…” Sango squinted, staring hard into the empty space above to try and form the image of the last time she had seen Kagome. “Actually, It’s been weeks… has it been weeks?”
Sesshomaru knew she wasn’t asking him and the irritability of the unknown began to tense his form. So no one had answers, for this long?
“This one last saw her before the rain fell.” He supplied.
“Rain, rain go away…” Sango mumbled, her hand coming to rest on her chin in deep thought. If she concentrated, she could hear the children singing just that morning. Sesshomaru didn’t dare break her concentration.
“Come again another day, inside the inn I’d rather not stay, and the keeper would let me stay, but it's been… it's been 12 days and we want to play…”
They shared a look.
According to the children who sang songs and chants that Kagome taught them when they were bored, it had been raining for two weeks.
-
For the past week, Kagome had been staying at an Inn. It wasn’t the largest or most lavish like Miroku preferred, nor as sparse as Inuyasha preferred. There were five rooms, an outdoor pool and an old Innkeeper who liked chatting in the mornings while they drank their tea and didn’t charge Kagome on account of her status. Graciously, Kagome offered to clean the rooms for the Innkeeper and bless it regularly, just in case her presence brought misfortune.
There was plenty of room for her goal; According to the Village Leader, women had been disappearing. Kagome had asked the Leader to keep him informed, but upon receiving no reply, Kagome let her gut instinct kick in. She only told Kaedae she’d be gone and hopped on the last cart of that night, napping amongst the hay and waking to an Ox licking her cheek, she and the farmer arriving at the inn.
Kagome huffed, the cool night air materializing puffs that lifted her bangs. While she was stuck, waiting, how many girls were being taken in by that orange, malicious energy that filled the sky? The one she noticed sipping tea with the Innkeeper while they chatted? The dawn that pooled across the sky like blood and tricked regular people into thinking it was a normal sunset?
They sat there in the evening, after Kagome finished cleaning the floors and the Innkeeper made sure the snack portion was doubled. They sat and Kagome smiled and traded pleasantries and hid her unease behind her teacup when the Innkeeper remarked they’d never seen such a beautiful sunset. Kagome lost sleep these past few nights just watching the Innkeeper, making sure it wasn’t the beginnings of hypnotism. But so far no change. Just she and the Innkeeper and the orange blood hiding a perfectly good sunset.
Again, she wished she had time to learn how to work with shinigami. Or time to train a messenger bird. What kind of Priestess didn’t travel with a companion? Even her bike would have sufficed.
Had she known it would take so long for another lead but she didn’t know because she always worked in groups, and in a good group like hers, everyone did their fair share. It never seemed like there was a moment's rest because someone or someone else was always gathering information.
But now, Kagome was all alone and there was all at once too much to do and nothing to do. Too much information to work with and none at all. The perfect time to take Intel but, Intel on what?
“Perfect time to invent e-mail.” She muttered into her cup.
“You’ve been grumbling since your arrival yesterday, dear.” said the Innkeeper. “Have I become such a poor companion?”
“Yesterday...? Oh! No! Not at all.” The truth sounded so unconvincing. Kagome cleared her throat, “It’s my fault really. I’m not working hard enough.”
So lax in fact that what felt like a week to her had only been a full day at the Inn.
“You’ve done nothing but work since you’ve been here, dear. This tea is the only way I’ve gotten you to take a breather.” The Innkeeper tapped their brass kettle and laughed, “You’ve left me no choice but to break out the good stuff in fact!”
The Innkeeper closed one eye and leaned into Kagome, peering into her personal space, “Are you sure you’re not a swindler? How old are these robes?”
Kagome jumped, her body moving almost against her will away from the Innkeeper’s hands and eyes and questions. Setting the tea aside, Kagome tucked her knees, turned to her host and bent at the waist.
“I’m sorry!”
Her youthful energy nearly knocked the Innkeeper backwards, “I promise I’m not swindling you and if you have been swindled before, specifically by a Monk wearing purple robes, I’m sorry for that as well!”
The Innkeeper blinked, “Ah-well, thank you. I haven’t been swindled by a purple robed Monk yet, Priestess, but I’ll be on the lookout from now on. Thank you.”
Kagome was so happy her face was shielded from view. Her embarrassment should only been seen by the nicely polished floorboards after all. Why did she react so strongly?
“Do you perhaps have any parchment and ink?”
The Innkeeper smiled, wide and perfect, “Ah, so that’s it. You’re missin’ your lover!”
Kagome sat ramrod straight with a blush that could match the sky and the Innkeeper guffawed, rising slowly and steadily and a little shakily from their seating cushion. Kagome could hear them behind her saying things about youth and young love. Kagome swore right then to take her shinigami training much more seriously.
-
Night fell and Kagome was left alone with her bone white incense burner, parchment, ink, a slop of orange stars in the night sky and a freshly brewed pot of tea.
Would Sesshomaru know anything about this? He had become her encyclopedia on demonic tactics, trickery and horrors that befell sleepy villages that women disappeared from. Or would he be just as blind because he didn’t even know she was here? Was he waiting for her at home or had he come and gone to tend to more important matters?
She could write Sango, Sango slayed thousands of demons and had even begun record keeping but could Sango afford to leave? When Kagome left, it had just been them and Kaedae. Five days changed many things but not the distance it would take the boys to get back home to take up guard duty.
She wished Inuyasha were here.
She could send it to Jaken…
“Maybe I should ask Rin.” Kagome mused, figuring if she was going to think ridiculous things she may as well say ridiculous things. Then, only smart things would be left.
She put pen to paper and decided whichever name she wrote down would be the person she asked.
Dear Sesshomaru,
She blushed again. She never called him dear. Focus
I don’t know why I’m writing. It’s only been three nights but I miss you a lot so, maybe that’s it? Do I miss you?
Sighing, Kagome crossed that out and tried again.
Dearest Sesshomaru,
I miss you.
Sleep isn’t as restful and tea isn’t as sweet and, have you ever seen an orange sky? Not like the afternoon, we’ve had some of our best afternoons up there. Not like persimmons either. It's a strange, runny, bloody orange. I figured I’d ask you, being the blood expert. Let me know if I should’ve written Myoga instead.
I’m not very good at writing letters. I need your help.
Kagome held the parchment up to her red face, pursed her lips and inhaled. Then she placed the page face down, turned her face upwards and exhaled.
She hoped her words reached him.
-----------------------------------
When Kagome woke up the next morning, it was groggily facing the window. She had only come to this inn yesterday, but she was so tired. No matter, the Innkeeper said she could have free lodgings if she helped prepare the rooms and Kagome was eager to get to work.
She cleaned all four rooms quietly to not disturb the Innkeeper, she blessed the grounds and then, a bath sounded nice.
-
When Kagome woke up the next morning, it was groggily facing the window. She had only come to this inn yesterday, but she was so tired. No matter, the Innkeeper said she could have free lodgings if she helped prepare the rooms and Kagome was eager to get to work.
She cleaned all four rooms quietly to not disturb the Innkeeper, she blessed the grounds and then, a bath sounded nice.
-
When Kagome woke up the next morning, it was groggily facing the window. She had only come to this inn yesterday, but she was so tired.
No matter. The Innkeeper said she could have free lodgings if she helped prepare the rooms and Kagome was eager to get to work.
She cleaned all three rooms quietly to not disturb the Innkeeper, she blessed the grounds and then, a bath sounded nice.
-
When Kagome woke up the next morning, it was groggily facing the window. She had only come to this inn yesterday, but she was so tired.
No matter.
The Innkeeper said she could have free lodgings if she helped prepare the rooms and Kagome was eager to get to work.
She cleaned three rooms quietly to not disturb the Innkeeper, she blessed the grounds and then…
-
When Kagome woke up the next morning, it was groggily facing the window. She had only come to this inn yesterday, but she was so tired. No matter, the Innkeeper said she could have free lodgings if she helped prepare the rooms and Kagome was eager to get to work.
She cleaned her room and the guest room quietly to not disturb the Innkeeper, she blessed the grounds and then…
Huh?
Kagome stopped cleaning the floorboards.
Why was she still at the Inn? The village was still up ahead.
Far off in the distance where she could see it touching the blood orange sky she definitely saw a village.
She definitely saw it.
If she just turned around and looked it would be there still and she could put one foot in front of the other without bidding a proper farewell to the Innkeeper and continue on her mission.
But, her head wouldn’t move.
Her body wouldn’t move.
“Thank Heavens,” said the Innkeeper from far away, from above, from below, “You know girlie, you used up all my water.”
-
“Lord Sesshomaru!” Rin’s voice rang out and Sesshomaru heeded her immediately with Sango in tow, Hiraikotsu firmly in her grasp.
“Mama! The rain is clearing up!” Sango children crowded around her hips gleeful and fed and Sango leaned down to them.
“And how long was it raining?”
“14 days!” Her eldest daughter piped up, her siblings agreeing.
“What is it, Rin?” He watched the girl and Jaken attempt to gather all of the fur into their arms to avoid getting dirty as they made their way to him but the mud hardly mattered. Why was Mokomoko leaning at all?
“A message appeared, My Lord!” Jaken squealed from behind, his stubby form holding up the latter pelt while Rin stood on tip-toe to reveal its underside. Sesshomaru’s frown deepened and he reached for the soggy thing and it dried immediately before affixing itself around his shoulders. It was heavy with holy magic and would remain sluggish until the holy magic was removed and Sesshomaru only knew of one Priestess who could place such intent upon him at such close proximity.
It was even in her handwriting. And as the weather cleared, her scent came at him with a force it hadn’t had in fourteen days. His hand gripped the pelt tighter when Sango came over to survey the message.
“Dearest Sesshomaru, I miss you?” She read aloud.
With his free hand Sesshomaru waved his palm over the words and captured the false letters in his hand then placed his palm up. The letters evaporated like steam and he caught whiffs of tea and polished floors and blood not her own.
Sango could say she’d never seen steam with feelings until her eyes caught those last glimpses of Sesshomaru’s stoic face crack in anger before clouds of billowing smoke swallowed him up until he vanished.
-
…Was that snow?
“What trickery is this, witch?”
Kagome squinted.
No, not snow, though the consistency was similar. Small, white petals fell from a large, white cloud that descended from above the grounds, creating a flurry that threw the Innkeeper off kilter as it clumped into their ears and nose and sucked into the Innkeeper’s indignant maw.
A larger shadow fell over Kagome and she felt instantly relieved.
Sesshomaru made time for the brief caress of her cheek and Kagome swooned a tad before Sesshomaru caught one of the falling petals on his fingers and pressed it to Kagome’s lips.
“Sesshomaru,” Tension easing from body, Kagome nuzzled her cheek into his palm, “I did miss you.”
He brought their faces closer, “You were expecting Myoga.” He accused her.
“Obviously.” She giggled, “But you’ll do.”
While Kagome waited for the feeling to return to her legs, Sesshomaru surveyed the area for irregularities.
… There. The strange, orange liquid attempting to bubble itself back into a brass teapot sitting on the veranda. That was irregular.
Sesshomaru shot out his hand and produced his poison whip, snapping it across the liquid surface and causing it to bubble. The Innkeeper retook a human form from the reaction, their yowl agonizing and arms blistering.
“Guess that means my letter worked?”
”Well enough.” He lifted the side of mokomoko that her words ink-stained into the underside.
“I can get that out.”
Sesshomaru rolled his eyes. The Innkeeper was struggling so he tightened his grip.
“I just need to get–”
He turned and shook his hair to the side, revealing her weapons attached at his hip. Even with his back turned, Sesshomaru could feel Kagome’s grateful expression while she removed the bow and quiver.
He harshly flicked his wrist and sent the demon skyward to screech and snarl into the blood orange sky. Above all else, Sesshomaru could not stand much more of the noise that was drowning out their conversation. At least this way he could admire the way Kagome adjusted her aim.
“This One had already been looking for you.”
Kagome could barely concentrate on charging her arrow when he was being such a sweet-talker, “Thank you for finding me, my Lord.”
Her arrow struck the teapot and Sesshomaru’s acid did quick work of the false form.
As the demon puddled to the ground, Kagome placed her sleeve over her mouth as she approached. She waved two fingers in a uniform pattern across the puddle and it purified. Then she raised her fingers and chanted, and the sky began to resemble the sky, the sun was setting, the horizon was empty and her mission was complete.
Sesshomaru stepped next to her when it was done and offered her his hand to take. She obliged, then laced their fingers together.
“What of the Inn?”
“I’ve been purifying it for the last few days. The spirits left easily enough because they didn’t want to be there in the first place. They wanted to keep walking toward the horizon.”
Sesshomaru looked to the horizon, but all he saw was the sunset, “Was there something there?”
“Something for anyone who's looking.” Kagome answered in her strange way. Sesshomaru was certain she didn’t even notice when she spoke nonsensically.
“Hungry?” Kagome questioned perkily, “Only the tea was cursed. The snacks weren’t bad. And we have the whole place to ourselves.”
Kagome led Sesshomaru back to the Inn.
“Pardon the intrusi–Ah!” She stumbled backwards, caught by Sesshomaru’s big frame. When had he removed his armor?
“This One had been looking for you prior to your ‘invitation’.” His hand tightened in hers and Kagome gulped. Something was rubbing salaciously between the pleats of her hakama.
“O-oh? Well, you found me. Did I thank you for that yet?”
“You are about to.” Sesshomaru bent over her and her body followed slightly until they were both on their knees at the door.
Kagome could always see things behind her but it was a different thrill entirely to somehow feel the grin slipping over Sesshomaru’s lips.
“Pardon the intrusion.” He whispered.
#sesskag#sesskag fluff week#SKFW23#sesskag fanfiction#ok I haven't written anything since maybe 2016? idk its been a long time and I didn't know what to edit out and what to keep ugh#hopefully there is enough fluff? I feel like there's not enough fluff lol I got to excited about writing I forgot to make it more fluff#demiko#fic tag: demiko#I didn't know where to fit the dialogue prompt so I just didn't lol if I did this would've been a gratuitously fluffy fiction#I hope you enjoy!#I want to do more art + fiction I find this really satisfying ugh I love some illustration with a story#the original idea for this was going to be Sesshomaru just missing Kagome a lot like literally he keeps trying to go on dates#but she's too busy and they keep narrowly missing her and it was going to have hurt puppy sesshomaru lol#but I ended up exploring Kagome's trip more dangit. More Sess emotion to come then!#yoart
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we got bacl from grammie's wake. it was surprisingly pleasant despite how sad we were
#i gotta hand it to the funeral home--she really looked like she was asleep#mickey.txt#despite well. the occasion#it was a surprisingly pleasant get together#a lot of her old coworkers from when she worked at the supermarket were there#and i got to see my stepcousins i haven't seen since before covid#and it took my niece about an hour to get fidgety and antsy#which is an impressive for an 8 year old tbh#it was funny after awhile whenever the mood got really low my mom was like 'okay kid--do a cartwheel'#because my niece LOVES cartwheels and there was so much space for cartwheels#it was fun lol#just what grammie loved honestly; everyone sitting and shooting the shit#and the grandbaby/ies being cute#ngl everytime my niece did a cartwheel or jiggled the fidget toy i lent her#i had an instinctual gut reaction of 'SHH NOOO YOU'RE GONNA WAKE UP GRAMMIE'#i miss her already. i never got to bond with her the way i would've liked to#but she was a lovely grandma. the type that always fussed over everyone#'did you want anything sweetie?' 'jen you want help in the kitchen?' 'want me to do anything?' type of grandma lol#she was a worry wort but very sweet. growing up she always sewed us coats and dresses and blankets#she taught me how to knit; like 80% of my knitting stuff used to be hers#she gave me a whole carpet bag of knitting gear and yarn when i was like 14/15#she taught me card tricks when i was kid. she used loved brushing my hair but she used#her old lady metal brush that hurt lol#she used to take us to the library#and she used to take us to the movies a lot as kids but she'd take us to a convenience store first to buy our candy#and as kids we thought that was the coolest most badass thing in the world#growing up we used to spend a weekend at her house once every few months#and on sundays she'd take us to her mom's apartment to organize her pills and stuff#idk. im glad she was in my life but i miss her already. at least now she's with her mom and brother 💕
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cant sleep because im seething with anger
#been laying here for like 40 minutes fantasizing about finally snapping and telling my mom everything i really think and feel#if i ever came out to her she would end up cutting me off like she did to my aunts and uncles and cousins#basically im alone and my parents and siblings are the only family i can be in contact with right now and its isolating#off topic but yeah#i miss having a big family and people besides my parents that i could rely on. people i felt like i could actually breathe around#idk. whatever#why do i feel responsible for her actions all the time. its been my job to keep her stable and listen to her vent for years#but i never say anything about my own feelings. because she would make me feel stupid and ridicule me. lol#all she does is make me feel like shit most of the time. shes always in a bad mood and shes always whining and always pessimistic#and yeah i get along with her for the most part but lately her attitude has been weighing on me a lot. i cant criticize or disagree with her#because she'll just get mad. shes always been an angry person. thats why i hardly spoke to her from ages 10-15#maybe i jsut wanted to give her another chance. maybe i felt sympathy for her. shes had it rough her whole life#but when shes still bitter no matter how many times i comfort her and let her vent and cry to me and when she chooses her husband over me#every single time he fucks up (which is like. constantly) and always takes his side when they inevitably make up after a huge fight#it feels like i'll never be able to make her happy. it feels like i should stop trying. if she wants to be full of hatred#and have a shitty husband then fine. i cant fix her like and i cant hold the weight of her mistakes#*life
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